Inevitable
by A Star In My Universe
Summary: In some ways, she thought, it would have been kinder had Red gone out with a bang. Being slocked upside the head, not really knowing what had hit her before the light was out of her eyes. This way was less violent but in no way kinder. It was robbing her slowly, taking her piece by piece and ripping her apart by taking every single thing she had ever known. Nicky/Red (S7 spoilers)


Inevitable.

That was the word they had used all those weeks ago, when their worst fears had been confirmed. When Red's hand curled around Nicky's in a vice grip, not willing to let go. When Nicky had clung onto the only mother she'd ever wanted, the ringing in her ears drowning out whatever the doctor had to say.

"_I'm sorry to say that her decline is inevitable, she will eventually forget everything…"_

Everything - it dawned on Nicky that '_everything' _included her. As Red had accepted her diagnosis with a steely silence, Nicky had wept.

It didn't stop her from clinging to a shred of hope in a dark place in her mind that told her Red might be different; that she might be the exception to the list of rules the doctor had reeled off. She didn't know if that shred of hope was keeping her going or tearing her apart, but she couldn't let it go.

"Nicky, can you finish chopping these vegetables?" Gloria asked, expertly tying her apron behind her back. She sighed as she turned on the grill, looking through the tiny window at Flaca handing out small scraps of paper to the detainees. She couldn't be mad at her for helping, but it wasn't easy running a kitchen with half a staff. "We're getting snowed under here."

Nicky looked up. A few months ago, she would have given anything to be here, in different circumstances. In a kitchen with Red, working alongside each other…

Now though? With Lorna losing her mind, Red deteriorating before her eyes, and no end in sight for any of it, it seemed more like torture than the safe haven she had imagined on all those long lonely nights.

With a swift nod, Nicky stopped leaning against the racks of so-called food and picked up a knife. "Yeah, sure."

It wasn't that she particularly enjoyed working in the kitchen, but it was a reprieve from the monotony of life in maximum security, and at least she got to keep an eye on Red this way. Truthfully, they should have replaced Red some weeks back. With her illness, she was worse than useless in the kitchen; she was causing hazards everywhere she went - be it forgetting to switch the oven off or slipping with the knife and cutting herself. Yet Gloria didn't have the heart to and Nicky wouldn't swap her for anybody, and so she stayed, with both women on high alert for anything amiss.

It was that fact that made the vigorous splashing sounds stand out from the other sounds of cooking

that mingled together as everyone worked. The blonde glanced up from her task, a pile of unevenly chopped half rotten carrots rolling around beside her hand. Red stared ahead, eyes steely and unseeing, as she vaguely stirred a lot in front of her. Spaghetti sauce flicked upwards, causing a stain that looked like a blood splatter across both Red's uniform and the countertops. Nicky watched for a moment, her lips pressing together sadly. Her eyes trailed down to the stain on her uniform.

In some ways, she thought, it would have been kinder had Red gone out with a bang. Being slocked upside the head, not really knowing what hit her before the light was out of her eyes. This way was less violent but in no way kinder. It was robbing her slowly, taking her piece by piece and ripping her apart by taking every single thing she had ever known. It even took its time, sometimes allowing Red lucid moments in which she remembered what was being taken from her - _who _was being taken from her. Even Nicky looked at her sometimes from across the room, far enough away to forget what she couldn't remember, and let herself pretend like it wasn't happening. The knife twisting realization of reality hitting her was always harder after that, yet she couldn't stop herself. She was beginning to understand why Lorna did what she did, how easy it would be to slip into delusions herself...

"Ma, why don't you take a little break?" Nicky said, moving hair from her face with the back of her hand as she continued to cut up the produce. "I left a box from the shipment down there, you could sit on that."

Red's ashen brow wrinkled as she stared at Nicky, her head tilting. It was a look Nicky was growing accustomed to; it ranged from signifying '_I can't remember if I salted the food' _to '_I don't know where I am'. _Yet whatever it meant, whenever she got that expression, Nicky forced herself to smile, that being Red's only constant, and touched her arm. Though the disease was progressing at what felt like break neck speed, for now it seemed to calm her each time.

This time, though, Red was shocked by the touch. Her hands clutched her chest and she rubbed her thumb over her bony knuckles, yanking her arm away from Nicky harshly. Sweat prickled under her arms and though the face looking back at her was kind, it was sprouting lies.

"Why did you call me that?" Red hissed. "Why would you say that?"

In a flash her worry was replaced with a burning fury, and she seized Nicky's arm in a death like grip. Her fingernails dug into the bare skin, and when Nicky tried to pull away, Red blocked her path with her other hand. Nicky had seen Red angry countless times, even at herself, but this time was different.

Every other time Red had been angry, Nicky had known the cause; she was never exactly the silently seething type. Even when the cause was herself, she'd never felt anger like this directed her way. It was always mingled with concern, love, trust...this was blind rage, and Nicky felt uneasiness rising in her chest. That was an unfamiliar feeling in itself. Everything was easy with Red. Or, it had been. Now when Red looked at her, Nicky was always trying to figure out what she was thinking. If she knew who she was looking at. If she remembered what they had together. Or if Red was simply staring at a stranger, a wild haired girl with a big mouth who Red hadn't the slightest inclination to make hers again.

"What?" Nicky asked, squirming in Red's grip. She ran over the crescent shaped marks on her arm, smearing the small specks of blood over her pale skin. She barely noticed the blood as she caught Red's elbow with her other hand. "What are you talking about?"

"I don't _have _a daughter," she spat, her accent thick. She jabbed Nicky hard in the chest with her pointer finger. "I am not your '_ma_'!"

Nicky said nothing. The most she managed were a few stammered '_ums' _before Red had turned away again, furiously throwing salt into an already salted pot of sauce. Nicky's burning eyes stayed fixed on Red's back as she blinked back the tears. Her feet felt glued to the floor and despite the time crunch they were under to get lunch served, she couldn't bring herself to care about the half-finished job behind her.

"You okay, Nichols?" Gloria called softly from across the room. Her head stayed down, eyes fixed on the rice she was rinsing in the sink. For this, Nicky was grateful; she pawed at her eyes in a futile effort to dry them. She tried to clear her throat, but her breath caught. Before anyone else noticed, she slid down and sat on the box she had saved for Red.

She hadn't meant it. She didn't know what she was saying. Nicky _knew _that. She had told herself it a thousand times as she battled the fears of a future Red had been promised. Yet tears still pricked at Nicky's brown eyes, shining on the surface and threatening to spill over. Ragged breaths tore from her lips and before she knew it, tears were splashing down her cheeks. The sound of her uneven breathing was obvious and despite her embarrassment at crying in a roomful of people, she couldn't seem to stop herself.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Twisted logic and blind hope had let her believe that their bond was so strong that there was no way Red would forget her. How _could _she? After everything, their relationship had been torn down to merely Nicky's word. Would Red believe her if she told her she _did _have a daughter? Would she ever look at Nicky and remember what she had felt, once upon a time?

Whilst Nicky buried her head in her hands, Red looked up at the sound of sniffling behind her. Abandoning her pot and dropping the spoon messily on the counter, she turned to Nicky. For a moment, she was lost. Then it was as if the penny dropped, and she dropped to her knees despite the sharp shocks of pain shooting up her back. Nothing was more important to her than her family, than her children. Nothing, especially not a little backache, would stop her from finding out what had caused her obvious distress.

"Oh, Nicky," Red said, concern steeped in her voice. This time, she grabbed Nicky's arm and made sure not to catch the small cuts with her nails. When she noticed the cuts, her blue eyes crinkled around the edges. "What happened to you?"

She set her glasses on her nose, her brow furrowing. This time, when she looked at Nicky, she looked at her with all the compassion in the world. Though she looked years older, and her hair wasn't red, and her lips bare, she looked like the Red Nicky had loved more than anything. The blonde offered her a small smile, wiping at her nose with the back of her hand.

"Oh," she said, her voice breaking. "You know me...sharp knives, a roomful of hot girls...wandering eyes."

"Oh, honey," Red echoed as she drew Nicky into her arms. Her fingernails worked gently this time, scratching softly on Nicky's scalp as she raked her fingers through the mane of hair that brushed against her cheek. "Watch what you're doing! But it's not that bad," she remarked, turning her arm round. She peered down at Nicky, a little v forming on her forehead as she wondered what had gotten her so worked up. "It's not all bad, huh?"

Nicky wiped her eyes. She rested her chin on Red's shoulder, scooting over so that Red could sit down next to her. The older woman obliged easily and readily, wrapping her arm around Nicky's waist and pulling her close. Nicky shook her head, looking up with swollen and reddened eyes.

"No," Nicky rasped, but the smile that her response gained from Red was enough to set her off again. She buried her nose into Red's neck, trying to hide the tears that simply wouldn't stop. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I'm sorry."

"Don't cry, hmm?" Red said, twisting a curl of Nicky's hair around her finger. She raked the rest of her hair away from her eyes and brushed the tears from her cheeks. She shook her head, gently running her finger underneath Nicky's puffy eyes. "Ice water will bring down your eyes. Let me get some."

Galina had spent half of her life mopping up tears. From skinned knees on little boys to the bitter, agonizing pain of detoxing cold turkey, she had dealt with it all. Hell, she had done enough crying of her own to know how to deal with the aftermath. But Nicky pulled on her hand, stopping her from getting up. She looked down to see what the matter was.

"Can...can we just sit here for a bit?" Nicky asked, curling her fingers around Red's hand. "I've missed this, you know."

Red stared down at Nicky. For a moment, Nicky thought she had been forgotten about again. She braced herself for the inevitable yelling, for her to drop her hand like she was being burned. But she only smiled sadly, and chucked Nicky gently under the chin.

"Always," she said simply, cupping Nicky's face in her hands. As she wiped the tears from Nicky's stuck together lashes, she hummed a soft song that her mother had always sung to her. And though she was confused when tears kept on sliding down Nicky's cheeks, she pulled her closer regardless. "Don't cry, _malyshka. _I'm here."

* * *

_**A/N: Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. This one was difficult to write! It's been playing on my mind for a week or so now and I've spent quite a long time on it because I didn't like how it was at first. Nonetheless, I quite like the end result and hope you did too. I have been working on Midnight Lullabies but watching season seven made me want to write for that a bit less, but I will try to update soon. **_

_**Please let me know what you thought in a review - they mean the world to me!**_

_**Hope you're all well. **_

_**\- Star xo**_


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